6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?
Me:
6: I like it
Me: It’s mistletoe son
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Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
Become ungovernable.
[walking out of bathroom]
me: oh boy, do NOT go in there
*guy walks in anyway*
*comes out screaming*
me: ya it’s like super haunted
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
🤣🤣
warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?
me: yes, a final film
warden: ok, what do you want to watch
me: *smiles wide* the neverending story
[107 minutes later]
me: ok, that’s bullshit
Wireless bra? What’s the password?
Sentences sound better with “motherfucker.”
Before: “You sir, are a vile, despicable person. I am angry.”
After: “Dis motherfucker…”
The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
[Darth Vader sitting down]
DV: *takes sip of smoothie before spitting it out* What’s this?!? I said strawberry-banana!
Aid: We thought you might want to try kale again for your health my Lord
DV: You thought?
*begins force choking*
You have kale’d me for the last time
From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.
My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!
I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops
She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
*adds Amazon wishlist link to bio*
Me: And now we wait
[2 days later] *nothing*
[1 week later] *still nothing*
[2 weeks later] Kids: Dad, we’re really hungry now
Me: I said, we wait!!!
[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first
When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.
*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*
I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..
*putting a top hat on my dog*
Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.
*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*
Time to seize the day.
Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
hey babe come look at the cat. he looks the same as he always does and hes just sitting there. babe come look. hey come look at the cat
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want