[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
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Google search history:
-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe
The only occasions in which I will run:
– Zombie apocalypse
– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs
*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
“Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN’T eat chocolate. It’ll kill them.” – God inventing dogs.
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.
Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.
My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
anyone who doesn’t have a crush on me is wrong but also anyone who DOES have a crush on me is wrong too. confusing, i know!
Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.
Publix cake decorators should get $50/hr
I know I shouldn’t be on top of this table singing Don’t Stop Believin’ loud, off-key, and wrong, but please know it’s because I love all of you. You’re my friends, my family, an-
~ Me, right before getting kicked out of Starbucks
🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶
My kids tell me I drink too much.
It’s funny they don’t make the connection.
how come kids always get lice but you never hear about adults getting lice. no workplace ever brings the lice inspection lady in to check the office. no one comes home from work like “sorry honey. tim on the fifth floor gave everyone lice again”
My kid doesn’t hear me when I ask her to clean her room but when I curse under my breath from three rooms away with a closed door she yells, “Mom said a bad word!!!”
Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…
‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’
The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?
Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*
Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.
me: how was your day
5: my day was horrible! i wanted to stay home but you made me go to school so i went! but then i went to the library and got a book, and made a book mark. it was great!
Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*
Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!
Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.
*Flirting before having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of my naked body]*Flirting after having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of our bed with freshly changed sheets]