@moron_online

[6 months after breaking up]

Me: AND ANOTHER THING,

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@michaelianblack

If countries don’t want revolutions, they should stop putting large public squares in the middle of their cities. So stupid!

@MomofTeen

Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.

@buhsbaby_baby

Him: So what are you into?
Me: *thinking of the newspaper cutouts of Justin Trudeau all over my bedroom walls and ceiling* Politics.

@PinkCamoTO

CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.

@AngelaEhh

Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.

0/10. Do not recommend.

@rockymomax

COP: drop the gun

CRIMINAL: no

COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no

@lazerdoov

what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?

@Fallun_Angel

A synonym is a word you use when you can’t spell the other one.

@wastefulthinker

Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”

@EJGomez

judas: honestly jesus is the coolest dude ever i hope he lives forever

jesus: worst movie ive ever seen? Space Jam

judas: yo what the f