[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
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Bobcat Escapes National Zoo #WhatDoYouThink?
This sounds more like an accusation than a question.
i hate you platonically
I’m like the Pied Piper, but instead of a flute it’s a little bottle of maple syrup and rather than rats it’s all the lovely Canadians I’m enticing into my ‘candy van’.
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
What’s that, turkey?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
Timmy fell in a well?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
[breaks turkey’s neck]
no time for your riddles, in the oven you go
This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Pizza”
“My new boyfriend who?
“No. Pizza”
“My future husband who?”
“No.”
“Playing hard to get who?”
Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
You travel 3500 miles to the breathtaking 15th-century mountaintop Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. The gift shop is not great.
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.
“Ruh roh” says Scooby as the cops pull the van over. Shaggy looks at the kilos of heroin in the back, sighs, and pulls out a machine gun.
[Wheel]
_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..
Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito
Wife: I’m heading to work.
6-year-old: Goodbye. I hope nothing bad happens.
That’s not ominous at all.
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
“And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon….Little boy blue and the man on the moon”
…Drugs in the 70’s must’ve been AWESOME!
I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.
Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.
I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.
Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.
I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.
There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.
Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.