[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.
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If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.
4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.
[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
Sign: *APPLAUSE*
There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me
One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.
[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t
Me: it’s cold and wet.
Wipers: want me to smear the rain all over so you can’t see?
Me: n-no.
Defroster: I’ll fog every window in this car.
Me: why?
Windshield: here’s a small spot above the steering wheel to look through.
Me:
Windshield: I’m gonna need you to hunch over.
The three things Im grateful for:
1. Family
2. Friends
3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.
THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have
BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …
Me: give it to me straight doc what is it
doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password
opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again
Locksmith *testing new door* this will make you more secure
Me: Great, thank you![Midnight]
Me *phoning him as I worry if my friends like me* it hasn’t worked
[portal opens]
dark lord: FINALLY! EARTH’S TREASURES ARE MINE!
gary: what if the REAL treasure is our friendsh-
dark lord: not now gary
While I was finally sleeping peacefully (adjusting to the 6 hr time diff), my husband got up, knocked over a suitcase, accidentally turned on every light in this hotel room, went to the bathroom, and then came back to bed and fell immediately back to sleep. So, I’m AWAKE NOW.
I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent
{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?
police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…
Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.
Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!
*sniff* Don’t try to console me
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.
playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”
I made a mistake. Then I ate that mistake and made more. I made so many mistakes that I had leftovers. Soon, a freezer full of mistakes. You’ve stopped making mistakes? Here, have some of mine. I’ve got plenty.
Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.