6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.
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I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.
The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.
Follow me for more life hacks.
It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?
To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.
Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.
Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!
[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes
My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”
*waters flowers*
*flowers die**sprays weeds with poison*
*weeds mutate, quadruple in size, grow 3 heads, and start speaking in tongues*
2 year old runs naked down the street.
“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”
I run naked down the street.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no
“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere
“I’m ONE PERSON trying to hold this whole house together!” my husband hollers in frustration as the kids flee back to the tv, abandoning him with the collapsing gingerbread house.
“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”— Polite vampires.
“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.
*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.
My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.
That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt
I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..
I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.
i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work
“I see you have created a tiny human. I, too, have done this.”
-me trying to make mom friends. Should I not whisper it? I’ll try shouting
[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!
gf:
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!
the cat just jumped in through the window, saunted right through the living room and STOOD ON MY BANANA SANDWICH FOR FIVE SECONDS WITH HIS DIRTY FEET WHILE SCREAMING AT ME FOR BEING LATE WITH HIS LUNCH FOR GODS SAKE