6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!

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*tides knock down my sand castle*

Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]


[tarot card reading]

*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICE

Customer: …is that a regular deck of cards?


I remember being about 6 years old and my grandfather did an Easter egg hunt for me and my sister. We looked for hours and found nothing. He later told us it was to teach us a very valuable lesson: Easter is not in November.


*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*


I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma


Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.

Intellectual powerhouse.

Right here.


me: bye bye miss american pie

miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?

me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady


Me: I’m making home made soup.

H: Nice, what’s in it?

Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.