6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!
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*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*
If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.
My son asked me to teach him how to tie a tie but I thought it was just easier to give him the already knotted tie that has been handed down by the men in my family for generations.
(before ceiling fans were invented)
*People getting their legs cut off by floor fans*
Narrator: There has to be a better way…
I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.
Hey…quick question, fellas:
Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?
A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.
I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.
Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.
*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”
THEM: “Pineapple should never be on pizza! It’s a fruit!”
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] “Well, I have some bad news for you about where tomato sauce comes from, kid.”
I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?
Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments
Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?
Date: uhh
Bruce: my regular normal carmobile
If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him
my 10 year old is a school safety and he instructed the 5 year olds where to stand to wait for the bus and one turned to him and said “you’re not my dad!” and another immediately yelled “burrrrrrn!!”
i don’t think we are even close to prepared for this next generation
Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
Me: *sings bedtime song*
4: I like that song
Me: *Sing song again*
4: I didn’t say I wanted it again
Me: *Stops singing song*
4: Why did you stop singing
Me: *Hands child to her dad and schedules emergency therapy session*
my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.
I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there
Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.
If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”