*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!
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[tarot card reading]
You will be a King
And find a beautiful queen
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICE
Customer: …is that a regular deck of cards?
I remember being about 6 years old and my grandfather did an Easter egg hunt for me and my sister. We looked for hours and found nothing. He later told us it was to teach us a very valuable lesson: Easter is not in November.
*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*
I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma
Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.
me: bye bye miss american pie
miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?
me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady
Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.
*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange