6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!
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on a scale of 1 to eating cereal out of a bundt cake pan with a melon baller, how lazy are you about washing dishes on the weekends?
15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘
15: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.
me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home
wife: what happened to you?
me: I met a celebrity this morning
wife: and….
[earlier at the car wash]
optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?
Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?
Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.
I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something
No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.
thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs
Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot
merlin: whoever pulls the sword from the stone is the true king
arthur: oh, this sword?
merlin: by my beard.. what is your first order, my liege?
arthur: table
merlin: what?
arthur: [right in his face] and that shit better be a circle
It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.
a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
Grim Reaper: You know why I’m here.
Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving?
GR: You should’ve forwarded that chain email.
I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.
Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!
ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking
Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.
Ditching twitter and becoming a LinkedIn influencer who only posts things like “Didn’t write a cover letter? Then you didn’t want the job.”
My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.
OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling
[Bartending]
Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin
Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that
One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher
Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…
It was the bathroom…but still…
*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*