6: My favorite kind of melon is Watermelon. What’s your favorite kind of melon?
11: Post Melon
6:
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[at the gym]
Friend: This sauna is way too hot!
Me: *slowly slips on jean jacket* Is it cooler now?
I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did
they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard
losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
LMAO
This might be me.
Follow me for more tips.
[gets on Facebook]
[types “you pushed me away but expected me to stay”]
[everyone nods, this is considered extremely good shit on there]
When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
no, no… I don’t want to be a burden
– me being a total burden
If she’s playing Wheel of Fortune, and has “_ONAL_ _UCK” left to win $8500, then she wants the D
Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.
Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.
*pets unicorn*
person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
*in hell*
Devil: so what are you here for
Them: I invented ice breaker activities
[Heaven]
Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL
Me: Too soon…
That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.
I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood
Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.
I’d hire this kid in 10 years.
Me: Where’s your water bottle?
3yo: I don’t know.
Me: Can you please go look for it?
3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.
Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.
I answer my front door in my coat, if it’s someone I want to see I say I’ve just got in and if it’s someone I really don’t want to see I say I was just on my way out, works every time.
Why have I gained weight? I don’t get it. Is it the extra butter on the bread? The extra ham on the butter? The extra cheese on the ham? The extra mayo on the cheese? What?
I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents