Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.
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20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
Me: I’m heading to the grocery store. Any requests?
12-year-old: You know the stuff you usually buy?
Me: Yeah.
12: Don’t get any of it.
*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time
ME: *pointing gun* Give me everything.
WORKER: Sir, this is a pet shelter.
ME: I know.
*carried off into the sunset by a wave of animals*
If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.
Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!
Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!
Stepped on the scale to get a status update and up 5lbs.
However I worked out for the first time last night so I assume it’s muscle
gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want
Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday
The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you
You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.
Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…
“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.
Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.