6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.

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I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?


Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?

Me: I have a nap for dealing with conflict.

Intvr: Do you mean “knack”?

*pulls out pillow*


[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator


Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush


Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g


Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?


When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.


My son can go from “omg…you’re impossible I can’t wait until I’m 18!”
To “you’re the best mom ever” in a matter of $100


boss: trouble at home?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] yeah
boss: wife giving you grief?
me: there’s a bee in my kitchen