@MissHavisham

6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.

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@KentWGraham

I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?

@LosLos__

Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?

Me: I have a nap for dealing with conflict.

Intvr: Do you mean “knack”?

*pulls out pillow*

@SortaBad

[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator

@KevinHart4real

Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush

@SimbaShaz

Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g

@avainwordland

Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?

@UncleDuke1969

When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.

@Miniwheats2012

My son can go from “omg…you’re impossible I can’t wait until I’m 18!”
To “you’re the best mom ever” in a matter of $100

@DuckhouseMedia

boss: trouble at home?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] yeah
boss: wife giving you grief?
me: there’s a bee in my kitchen