GENIE: u have 5 wishes
ME: don’t u mean 3 wishes?
GENIE: usually but it seems like u have a lot of problems
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“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.
me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine
I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.
[about to have sex]
her: put on this blindfold
me: I think a condom would be safer
[trying to explain blenders to medieval peasants without them thinking I’m a witch]
Imagine a knife tornado that made it so you can drink fruit.
I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.
If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.
*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
the nice thing about always being late is never having to worry about getting worms
I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.
Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”
Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.Court starts Monday.
So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.
Parenting talk translated.
“Come on you’re very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Actually means:
“Come on, I’m very tired, you need to get to bed.”
I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?
No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh here comes the tickle monster
I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
[AA meeting]
Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist
Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?
M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…
I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.
She was really dark.