me: iced latte please
barista: what type of milk?
me: spaghetti
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Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two
A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.
You can walk a mile in sweat pants and have no problem. As soon as you have bags of groceries in each hand they’re around your ankles.
I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment
My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.
Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.
Heard my kid say, “I’m sorry, but my mom doesn’t talk to strangers when she’s home unless girl scout cookies are involved” when he answered the front door, so obviously I have a favorite now.
Hurricane. It’s fine.
Broken foot. Still fine.
Anemic, arthritic, slow walking dog who refuses to go in the backyard so must be walked through nature’s hissy fit. Totally fine.
Coffee maker not working. EXTREMELY NOT FINE.
a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.
i’m at the potluck telling everyone i saw a house centipede crawl into cheryl’s artichoke dip bc i overheard her call my pumpkin pie puff pastry pockets ‘mid’
Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
[heist]
Me: *presses stethoscope against bank safe
Thief: well?
Me: omg…
[cut to safe being pushed rapidly down hospital corridor]
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”
[Running out of gas in the desert]
Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.
Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.
Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”
growing up, my dad had a doctor friend who he would always call instead of taking us to the ER and then i became an adult and realized that the doctor friend was a dermatologist
🎶99 sheets of TP on the roll
99 sheets of TP,
You take one down,
Make it all brown,
98 sheets of TP on the roll.
98 sheets of TP on-🎶Wife [outside bathroom door]: PLEASE STOP SINGING
Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.
Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.
Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?
random guy came up to me today and asked for my autograph, and i gotta say i was flattered. a little strange that the only piece of paper he happened to have on him was a life insurance policy on me for $1 million, but sometimes that’s just how it works out!