*6, wailing, carrying on*
Me: You can be a dramatic little bi…llion stars, strung together, shining brightly.
9, to his sister: That’s not at all what Mom wanted to say.
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“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.
If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.
Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……
Me:….*shoe ready in hand*
Also me: you’re actually kinda cute
Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*
Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth
Watch James Cameron’s spectacular vision to take 3 hours to tell a storyline that could’ve been an e-mail
…again.
(Now in theaters)
Is Fergie totally done spelling stuff? Because “mischievous” sometimes stumps me and I’d appreciate a song about it.
at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further
*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are
The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.
me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software
me in 2023: any day now probably
I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.
“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.
We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.
We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.
Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
[job interview]
Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s
“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”
If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from watching a seagull shoplift snacks from a convenience store, not from another person.
Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
Me: Should we have macaroni salad or potato salad at the BBQ?
Husband: Can we talk about this when we’re not having sex?