6 wakes me at 6:30am: wanna play a game?
Me: go hide! 1, 2, 3…
6: you’ll never find me!
Me: *goes back to sleep*
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Police Officer: “Turn around!”
Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*
*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
[out in public]
12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?
me: [showing him he’s wrong]
12: now you look like an idiot
me: i hate kids man.
My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot
I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.
Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
She’s a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever – hang on, being told that’s a tent.
“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”
– “We should call it AAAA!”
“You’re fired.”
*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
Mailman: *handing me a heavy package* what the hell is in here
Me: what?
Mailman: what’s in the package
Me: oh I thought u meant my house
Mailman: no haha
Me: I was gonna say my bed and tables and stuff lol
Mailman: for real what is it
Me: oh bowling balls without holes
Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg out, Put
-spider hokey pokey
Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.
My 3yo cried all morning because she doesn’t have a shell on her back like a turtle. She wants a shell on her back. A SHELL! Kids are fun.
It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.
Credit card company called to ask about some charges on my statement.
It wasn’t a fraud check. They were just questioning my life choices.
Want to change your name without any legal hassles? Just come up with a new pronunciation, the government isn’t even keeping track of that. Congratulations Brenda, you’re Breenday now and no one can stop you
WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother
Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control
“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.
Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.
An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.
I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC
never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos
just found a grappling hook in my new apartment. now i have to backtrack to my childhood home so i can access the previously unreachable attic
[inventing the parrot]
HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU