6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
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I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
*sprains wrist doing sports
“MY NACHO HAND!”
me: can i buy u a drink
girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot
me:
girl:
me: can u buy me a drink
Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”
DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“My kids are being jerks.”
“Hey, Christian, you can’t keep calling here.”
“Are you gonna send help?”
“…”
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.
I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.
Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
ESPN just did a Top 5 Greatest Comebacks of All Time and there was some guy running with a ball but like literally no mention of Jesus
Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving
Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.
Wanted: One (1) flat earther to be my friend so I can talk to you when I’m down and you can tell me my belly is actually flat.
No weirdos.
I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
My husband said we should have a ‘date night’
I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.
Just once in movies when someone gently shuts a dead person’s eyes I want them to whisper “Ew, ew, ew, ew.” while doing it.
Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears
Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?
My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.