googling “bible verses to use in an argument” before going to dinner with my mom
6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.
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My daughter just asked for a Samsung Galaxy phone.
Had to sit her down and explain to her we aren’t poor. #iPhone
me: [thinking] I don’t want kids
my mom: [2000 miles away gets a mental notification and texts me] how could you do this to me?
Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*
Yeah. That’s do-able.
Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?
Me: *twirling* And this stress has POCKETS can you believe it??!
Therapist: Please sit down.
Me:*falling over* Ok
I walk in a zig zag to avoid sniper bullets and crocodiles. And because I am drunk.
ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me
Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.