@PinkCamoTO

6: What’s a hangover?

Me: The interest repayment on fun.

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@batkaren

SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE

@SatansTongue

*at church*
“Does anyone have anything else for the offering basket?”
? ????? ?? ????? ???? ?????
“Jim no”

@SteveKoehler22

You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand order

I knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”

@platinum2000

If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…

@Shade510

HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….

Me: But…

@Parkerlawyer

Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.

You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed

@TheGoatTaco

My girl stayed true and my dog didn’t die, I’m sober

~no country song ever.

@sucittaM

Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.