6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.
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[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?
Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”
Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”
911: what’s your emergency
Me: I can’t find my lizard
911: do you have any details
Me: *holding tail* that’s how I lost it
Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth
My real introduction to classical music came from watching Tom and Jerry cartoons as a kid. Also how I got into sadism.
Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company
checking out some reviews of my local library
My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.
Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked
Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.
There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying
The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job
I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
Me: Where do you want to eat?
Her: Wherever you pick is fine.
Narrator: Wherever he picked was not fine.
What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.
Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway
Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.
BANK WEBSITES: This transaction may take 2-3 business days to process.
Oh, ok, are the computers on vacation, or what?
bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?
Fellas, here’s a flirting tip: If a girl plays with her hair while taking to you, it means she has lice and you should stay away from her.
I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?
I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)
Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.
they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings