@PinkCamoTO

6: What’s a hangover?

Me: The interest repayment on fun.

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@chaoticugly

googling “bible verses to use in an argument” before going to dinner with my mom

@TitansHomer

My daughter just asked for a Samsung Galaxy phone.

Had to sit her down and explain to her we aren’t poor. #iPhone

@bonehugsnirony

me: [thinking] I don’t want kids
my mom: [2000 miles away gets a mental notification and texts me] how could you do this to me?

@Glove_Monkey

Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.

@LuckoftheDraw86

*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*

Yeah. That’s do-able.

@justokpanda

Me: *twirling* And this stress has POCKETS can you believe it??!

Therapist: Please sit down.

Me:*falling over* Ok

@LittleMissAngr1

I walk in a zig zag to avoid sniper bullets and crocodiles. And because I am drunk.

@MomOfTeen

Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.