6: What’s the Roman numeral for 4?
Me: IV
What’s the Roman numeral for 6?
Me: I don’t know. They named the movie Rocky Balboa.

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Keep an identical glass of vodka next to the water on your bedside table for a refreshing morning game of Russian Roulette


I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.


Can’t live with ’em but have to take out the garbage and pay for everything without them.


Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …


ME: where’s Jim

GUY: your guess is as good as mi—

ME: the moon

GUY: ok no


Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.


I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…


Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.