My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
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You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
[First Date]
Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.
Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.
Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.
Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient
hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park
Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?
145 year old me: God, I’m fat
Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.
spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks
I like it when my kids are old enough to drink out of the toilet on their own. That way I don’t have to get out of bed to get them a drink.
*Poltergeist tosses dishes out of the cabinet, rips the chandelier from the ceiling, pulls and severs the WiFi router from the wall, then screams like a banshee as it flies down the hallway*
13 Year Old Son: I’m bored.
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
Hungover this morning, just accidentally flushed my toilet again right after I’d flushed it and found myself apologizing to it, aloud. So I guess quarantine has turned me into a Canadian?
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.
Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂
I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.
“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”
– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”
Felt like crap, so I drank an energy drink. Now I’m talking really fast and cleaning things I didn’t even know I owned.
2008: I want a career where I change the world
2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of
2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues
fourth time’s the charm
and now we wait
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.
Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?
BFF: I hate you.
Me, in a job interview: My weaknesses? I’d have to say one would be serving customers. Dealing with people in general.
HR: This is a customer service position. It was in the ad title.
Me: Another weakness is attention to detail. But that’s really it.
Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?
[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case