parents, think twice before dressing your child as Cecil the Lion this year. my son will be dressed as a dentist, and I gave him a real gun
6: Why are we at the vet?
Me: So our pig can’t have babies
6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?
Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch
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Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?
Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?
Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks
Larry (a garden gnome):
Me: oh my god you’re so handsome
I’m more likely to wear a donut on my wrist than any fitness tracker.
“Your highness, an egg has fallen off a wall”
“Send all my men”
“But excellency I…”
“And all of my horses too”
“ALL OF THEM!”
I’m so broke right now, if my gf leaves me for a richer person I’m going with them -__-
airline: will you be checking your bags, sir
me: again? I did that three times at home
[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*
Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.