@XplodingUnicorn

6: Why are we at the vet?

Me: So our pig can’t have babies

6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?

Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch

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@ruinedpicnic

parents, think twice before dressing your child as Cecil the Lion this year. my son will be dressed as a dentist, and I gave him a real gun

@jctwritesstuff

Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.

@matt_travelling

Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?

Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?

@mela_shea

Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks

Larry (a garden gnome):

Me: oh my god you’re so handsome

@jane_bot

I’m more likely to wear a donut on my wrist than any fitness tracker.

@rupert_franklin

“Your highness, an egg has fallen off a wall”
“Send all my men”
“But excellency I…”
“And all of my horses too”
“I don’t…”
“ALL OF THEM!”

@Vj_Phresh

I’m so broke right now, if my gf leaves me for a richer person I’m going with them -__-

@FredTaming

airline: will you be checking your bags, sir

me: again? I did that three times at home

@malt_skull

[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*

@WilliamAder

Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.