6: Why are we at the vet?
Me: So our pig can’t have babies
6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?
Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch
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When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.
That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.
WIFE: How’s the ventriloquism going?
ME: Not good.
WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book.
ME: I don’t think he read it.
SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.
I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.
Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!
Men don’t even appreciate a good bra & panty set. “TAkE tHeSe OfF” did you even look at it 🥺😒
I’ve accepted that I’ll never know how that M+ button on a calculator works.
I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”
20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.
He died doing what he loved.
He didn’t know she was married.
[chameleon tries on pants in a dressing room]
Salesgirl outside the door: How do you look?
Chameleon looking in mirror: I have no idea
As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
My son got this balloon on Valentine’s Day. He accidentally let go & it floated to the ceiling. Days later it was still up there. I said, “be patient, it will come down” but he didn’t believe me. “If it comes down I get an iPad!” he said. I agreed. Then I glued it to the ceiling.
Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.
Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
If you get confused visiting Canada and you think you’re in France, relax my dear wanderer, you’re not high! It’s not you, it’s just Québec
Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.
Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…
When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.