6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?
Me: um…
6: when plants die can they be ghosts?
Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.
You Might Also Like
The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.
“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
Opponent: I wish you luck
Me: Tha—
Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.
Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
My friend sent me an invitation to an “Interactive Murder Mystery Dinner” which is great because I’ve always wanted to decline one of those.
Whenever I babysit I wear a wig. When the parents leave I cut off 90% of my hair. I tell the kids if they don’t behave, they’re next.
Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances
Me: Don’t you talk to me like you are paying me for what I do
Boss:
Boss: But I am paying you for what you do!
Me: What did I just say!!
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.
I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”
*Wandering the city*
Crap I have no idea where I’m at.
*Stops in a bar and gets drunk*
Okay NOW I recognize these buildings
Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.
Husband: You cut your hair!
Me: …
H: It looks good! I like it!
…
Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
just saw a tiktok of someone saying they’re “never buying garlic again” after they discovered “this hack” and literally planted garlic in their backyard a grew more. brother do u think u just discovered agriculture???
I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.
Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.
I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…
Me: why did Dexter from Dexter’s lab have a French accent?
Professor: I meant science questions
Me: my bad. Scientifically, why did Dexter have a French accent?
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.
I was going through an old keepsakes box of mine and found a 4 colored pen. I asked my 6 year old if she’d like to have the cool pen I used when I was a kid. Her eyes lit up, then I gave it to her and she frowned. “Oh, I thought it was going to be one of those feathers,” she said
thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes