6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?
Me: You broke my juicer.
6: When I juiced that play dough?
M: yep
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never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them
From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.
*BF walks in on me surrounded by dozens of empty Reddi Whip cans*
ARE YOU HUFFING AEROSOL?
Me- *Mouth full of whip cream* –
Yeff
No self-respecting murderer is going to have the patience to stand there for the twenty or thirty hours it’ll take me to dig my own grave.
*throws nickel at grandpa*
I need more magic ear money.
me: is there a doctor on this plane?????
doctor: i’m a doctor
me: my mom wants us to meet
Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”
Welcome to middle age.
Don’t bother looking at the weather forecast; your joints will let you know when it’s going to rain.
In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,
What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?
Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it
I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.
At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.
Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”
Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*
Guys talking to women online: Hey
[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it
I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.
-“I’m 21.”
Omg eww, get away from me!
“And the award for Most British Name goes to…”
*Benedict Cumberbatch takes a sip of gin with his eyes closed*
“Helena Bonha-”
*spews*
me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
God: you’re an amphibian.
Frog: what does that mean?
God: it means you can breathe on land and in the water.
Frog: omg you mean I’m a mermaid?
God: no that’s not what I-
Frog: [whispers] I’m the littlest mermaid.
“What kind of dog is this?”
“Well actu..”
“Hes cute”
*pets it*
“Sir thats my..”
*picks it up*
“Your a good dog arent you?”
“PUT MY SON DOWN”
Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”
me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago
5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”
“It’s a moving truck.”
“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”
Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?