6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?
Me: You have the flu.
6: I’m sick, not dead.
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Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.
Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.
My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
To clarify:
DOJA CAT is a 25-year-old rapper, singer, and songwriter.
DEJA CAT is the strange sensation that you’ve seen a cat somewhere before.
Hope this helps!
Daughter: Do you think Freddie Mercury and Edgar Allen Poe would get along?
Me: Huh?
Daughter: Cuz he’s just a Poe boy from a Poe family.
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant
I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.
ME: *reading my tweets aloud*
HER: *spits coffee out*
ME: Aww was it that funny?
HER: No, I just hate coffee.
Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.
A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.
*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK
My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him
If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.
ibopfufen
I laughed at this way too hard.
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
I don’t have an angel and a devil on my shoulders.
It’s just two devils fighting over who’s gonna get me in the most trouble.
ME: *turns around instead of wiping the steam off my bathroom mirror*
SERIAL KILLER BEHIND ME: okay wow way to ruin the moment
My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.
My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.
If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?
Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary
6yo: ONCE I HAVE CHEST HAIR I’LL BE A MAN & THEN LADIES CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO ANYMORE
Husband: *dies laughing*