thought I was all good when my doctor said i was healthy as a horse; turns out he was referring to one specific horse, ‘Sick Matthew’
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Once a year, I put 16 spiders in my husband’s mouth while he sleeps bc
-Let’s get this over with
-He can eat mine
-I really miss Fear Factor
Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet
ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.
Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
Waiter: Ready to order?
Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.
Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.
Dropped my son off at middle school this morning dressed as a bottle of ranch dressing and couldn’t help but notice everyone else was dressed as regular middle school kids
Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.
Me: I’d like the chocolate soufflé
Waiter: It takes 45 minutes to prepare
M (right in her face): Then why are you still talking to me?
I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.
Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.
discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.
i like to walk around my neighborhood leaving helpful notes in ppls mailboxes, such as, “doric columns don’t belong on a mid-century modern. what is u doing?” or “ur home has a mix of window styles that makes me wonder about the aesthetic you were going for. what is u doing?” or
airline: you need to pay to check luggage.
passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.
airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.
[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*
3: I don’t want to go to sleep, I want to take a nap
Me: That’s fine, take a nap
3: Okay. I’ll take a long nap till morning
Me: Great!
3 *Five sec later*: I’m napping now!
Me: What exactly do you think “nap” means?!
I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!
Why do I “need” an assault rifle? Why did Rosa Parks “need” to sit in the front of the bus? Because Merica, that’s why.
When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
Dad: My head hurts, it feels like wrongdad.
Son: What’s wrongdad?
Dad: I told you, my head hurts.
Son: This is why mom left.
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost
If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.
Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-
Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!