6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?
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Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.
saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
“We are launching new bright color marketing, we heard people like it!”
Who? Who did you ask? Cardi B? Vanilla Ice? DJ Jazzy Jeff?
Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.
yesterday at the mall a woman asked for my opinion between two men’s shirts and immediately went to check out with the one i didn’t choose
I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like “have her back by 2200 hours” and I didn’t know military time but I was ok at maths and was like “sure, see you in 3 months”
It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.
[first date]
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.
he’s doing your taxes
If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.
My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”
If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”
E. Coli and the dysenteries is a great name for a band
Cooking is kind of strange, conceptually. Who took the first slab of meat and said “we better put fire under this for 15 minutes so we don’t die”
Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.
when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom
My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.
My toddler found a roll of quarters and is throwing money everywhere. Is she Scrooge Mcduck? Am I rich?
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?
God: Yes.
Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?
God: Horizontal Pupils
Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*
God: YouTube is gonna love you.
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.
So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché
The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
A sense of humor is key to a good marriage. For example, my husband makes fun of himself and I laugh and he laughs. I make fun of myself and I laugh and he laughs and I go dead silent.
[Interview]
Why do you want this job?
Me: *opens briefcase* I don’t.
*pulls out Snickers*
I just wanted to eat this without my kids around
[googling]
me: [how to get wife to stop cheating]
google: it won’t stop jim
me: [please google please stop porking my wife]
google: i can give her things that you can’t
me: [we have children]
google: you sure they’re yours jim?
me: [looks down at my son, algorithm] oh god
Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.