6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?
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When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.
I’m like the mafia to my son.
He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.
As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.
nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.
GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT
everyone’s allowed one idiotic business idea, and this is mine: a high-end restaurant for chewing gum. we manufacture many of our own gums in-house, but we also offer rare and vintage varieties. you want gatorgum, the gatorade gum from 1992? it’s part of tonight’s $155 prix fixe
I don’t have a 17 step nightly skin regimen; I need that time to google if a Crocodile would win a fight with an Alligator.
I’m alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I’ll be 3 hours late for work.
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
UBER: Oh, we’re halfway there
ME: Ok, good
U: Oh oh, we’re living on a prayer
M: What?
U: *driving off cliff* Take my hand
M: Oh god
You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.
First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”
Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT
Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.
“Ewww what is wrong with your mouth?”
Me thru coated lips:
I read that peanut butter is good for chapped lips. What? You think I should have used creamy?
Why should I trust my gut? My gut can’t even tell the difference between “I’m hungry” and “I’m bored” and that’s literally its only job.
Mob Boss: Did you check the money for marks?
Me: Why would I, we’ve never had a president named Mark
Mob Boss: …
Me: *getting nervous* H-have we?
What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.
–my dog
Dear Satan,
God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.
Love,
Me
Me: i have one pretty serious symptom
WebMD: that you know of
Casual sex robots have rebooty calls
Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.
People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.
Did you know?
Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.
[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]
I think salmon have the right idea.
Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom