6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?
Me:
6:
Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.
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*runs away from it all*
*runs back*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*
Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no
Me: How long should I roast asparagus in the oven?
Food Blogger: Wondering how long to roast asparagus? C’mere! I’ve got your answer!
Me: Cool! Thank-
Food Blogger: I was born on a farm in Tennessee. My father was an angry man with 3 fingers on each hand. A war injury…
I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
Interviewer: Why should we hire you?
Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.
Her: You sure love to beat people over the head with your vocabulary, don’t you?
Me: I think the word you’re looking for is “bludgeon.”
If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.
Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
Happy Father’s day to all the dads out there trying to keep the front door closed so u don’t AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. COME ON
“If Bernie doesn’t get the nom, I’m voting Trump.”
“Also, if McDonald’s is out of chicken nuggets, I’m going to eat 20 scorpions.”
I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.
My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out
I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.
her: i hate when people overanalyze everything in movies
me: [slowly concealing my notebook filled with inconsistencies and plot holes in the toy story saga] lol yeah me too
What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.
crazy
[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”
Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*
Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.
The cashier just checked me out.
Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it
HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please
My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral