@XplodingUnicorn

6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.

Me: That’s pretty impressive.

6: Let me know if you need my help.

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@brianbowman73

I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”

At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.

@dog_feelings

today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence

@iGreenGod

My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.

My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.

@BritXNic

I’m sorry I committed a home invasion but somebody had to do something about those carpets.

@SatansTongue

*Meninist meeting*
WOMEN ARE EVIL-
*phone rings*
Uhh just a second…
*picks up phone*
Mom not while I’m doing my club! Yes, pizza tonight.

@Darlainky

Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”

@BigJDubz

Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences

Judge: No

@daniel_shaw

Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”