6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.

Me: That’s pretty impressive.

6: Let me know if you need my help.

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I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”

At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.


today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence


My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.

My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.


I’m sorry I committed a home invasion but somebody had to do something about those carpets.


*Meninist meeting*
*phone rings*
Uhh just a second…
*picks up phone*
Mom not while I’m doing my club! Yes, pizza tonight.


Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”


Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences

Judge: No


Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”