I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”
At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.
6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.
Me: That’s pretty impressive.
6: Let me know if you need my help.
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today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence
‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
I’m sorry I committed a home invasion but somebody had to do something about those carpets.
WOMEN ARE EVIL-
Uhh just a second…
*picks up phone*
Mom not while I’m doing my club! Yes, pizza tonight.
Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”
Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”