6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.
Me: That’s pretty impressive.
6: Let me know if you need my help.
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I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.
I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko
ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?
BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.
ROBIN: What?
BATMAN: What?
Who called it a “Monk that can dunk” instead of an “Air Friar?”
I saw a bumper sticker that said “retired AF”
Not sure if he was Air Force, or just super retired
Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car
Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?
I don’t always look like an uncombed, shaggy mess but when I do, please don’t report it as a Bigfoot sighting.
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha
the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air
Damn girl, are you my inevitable death? Because I hate that you exist, but somehow I always find myself lying awake at night thinking about you.
My youngest kid quit liking cheese, so now I have to eat it for the both of us
With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.
*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*
The greatest Halloween decoration you’ll ever see
When someone disagrees with you online & demands you prove your point to their satisfaction by writing a logically sound defense, u can save a lot of time by not doing that.
Dude, I’ve known u for ten seconds & enjoyed none of them, I’m not taking homework assignments from you.
Smoothies- the art of selling half a banana and a peach for £3.50.
#RubbishJokes #JokeDay
#FridayVibe
Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.
Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.
They’re called werewolves.
You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
this country is so goddamn polarized
Some nice person with absolutely no issues of their own dm’d me and asked how I sleep at night being such a “bloodsucking piece of sh*t divorce attorney” and I said, “like a baby on 1000 thread count sheets.”
I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red
[watching #diving]
ME: Huge splash! Nice!
ANNOUNCER: That splash will cost her a medal.
ME [changing channel]: The Olympics are garbage.