Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
Me:

“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.

There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.

INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]

Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now

met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No

6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?

Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!

6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!

I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.

Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.

Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.

Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?

I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.

Remember folks, the camera adds ten pounds – unless you’re good at selfie angles like me, in which case it subtracts 30 *wink

Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’

Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?

[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no

yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!

*knocks on bedroom window*

*holds up phone *

YOU LEFT ME ON READ!

somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day

He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…

I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind

I’m a pediatrician.

Oh, so you’re into feet?

Uh no…children.

Isn’t that illegal?

Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.

alladin: do u trust me
jasmine: i’ve only known you for 2 hours
a: so u don’t wanna jump off this rooftop
j: lemme ask my tiger first

Everyone thinks they’re brave right up until a goose starts chasing them.

People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.

As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?

For a few days, my 3-year-old has been giving the cats what I can only describe as performance reviews. I do not know where this is coming from.

I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.

I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.

I’m at a legal conference called “Divorce on the Beach.”

My 9 yr old asked where my husband and I were going and I said, “Divorce on the Beach,” and he looked me straight in the eye and said, “Awww that’s too bad.”

Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker

General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.

Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs