6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
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Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you
Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.
If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.
Today I took a sip from my new water bottle that I’ve been drinking out of for a week and it tasted like… chunky so I looked inside and there was a pretty hefty size instructional manual sitting at the bottom that I guess came with the bottle and that I’ve been slowly ingesting
i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct
I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
4-year-old: Can I have some floss?
Me: You’re too little
4: But I really, really need it
Me: Fine. *gives her floss*
4:*ties up Barbies*
Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*
THERAPIST: What do you wish for?
WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things
ME: For the dog to talk
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing
My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.
They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…
Me: I need one washer for the sink
Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces
Me in my 20’s: what’s a hangover?
Me in my 40’s: it was 1 drink, 3 weeks ago, when will this end?
KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
[Couples’ Counselling]
Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him
Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!
you: weird flex but ok
an intellectual: odd gloat but understandable nonetheless
me, a genius: peculiar boast but alas
The next time my middle schooler refuses to acknowledge me in public, I’m giving him a big hug and asking him when his last bowel movement was.
terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time
I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
“To keep their nuts dry.”
HAHAHAHA!
(Please don’t leave me. I was dropped on my head as a baby.)
Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*
Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”
Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse
the perfect lunchbox d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶x̶i̶s̶t̶