@XplodingUnicorn

6-year-old: Santa’s not real.

Me: That’s right.

6: So I can be bad.

Me: That’s wrong.

You Might Also Like

@Sassafrantz

At 17, Joan of Arc led the French to victory and I just looked for my phone while talking on it.

@WheelTod

I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily

But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special

@dreadnaught69

*at a restaurant*

Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward

Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes

@iwearaonesie

my signature move is yelling “where in the fridge?!” and “i don’t see it!” until my mom comes and finds the applesauce for me

@michaelianblack

Science question: can somebody please explain how tiny, tiny swimsuits make Olympians dive better?

@yonewt

You’re damn right I want to complete an online survey, hand that receipt right here.

@WhaJoTalkinBout

My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.

@KeetPotato

[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”

@liv_thatsme

There are so many scary things in life:
-fear
-hate
-murder
-injustice
-the woman in line behind me who just said “boughten”