At 17, Joan of Arc led the French to victory and I just looked for my phone while talking on it.
6-year-old: Santa’s not real.
Me: That’s right.
6: So I can be bad.
Me: That’s wrong.
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I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
*at a restaurant*
Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward
Waitress: how’s the food?
my signature move is yelling “where in the fridge?!” and “i don’t see it!” until my mom comes and finds the applesauce for me
Science question: can somebody please explain how tiny, tiny swimsuits make Olympians dive better?
You’re damn right I want to complete an online survey, hand that receipt right here.
My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.
[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
There are so many scary things in life:
-the woman in line behind me who just said “boughten”
*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”