@XplodingUnicorn

6-year-old: Santa’s not real.

Me: That’s right.

6: So I can be bad.

Me: That’s wrong.

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@reallifemommy3

6: Can I have a baby sister?

Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.

6: Then can I have a turtle?

@PlainTravis

Considering the fact that I’m still working in people’s homes everyday, if the coronavirus hasn’t killed me in a week, nothing can kill me.

Except bullets.

Bullets and gravity.

Also poison.

@wolfpupy

i feel like most people have forgotten why we were robbing this jewellery store in the first place, for the jewels

@1MeLrO

I don’t get why they put those stickers on fruit and vegetables

They taste like shit

@BryceElder

Heard a guy talking about Belgian whistles.

“A basic website costs 10k, or 25k upwards if you want all the Belgian whistles,” he said.

Belgian whistles.

@unmehlievable

I like men who play hard to get.

So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.

@SteveKoehler22

Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.

The steaks have never been higher.

@sad_tree

PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em

@FU_TangClan

To err is human
To purr is cat
To grr is dog
To brr is cold
To durr is dumb
To slur is drunk
To occur is when you realise this tweet is going nowhere