6-year-old: Santa’s not real.
Me: That’s right.
6: So I can be bad.
Me: That’s wrong.
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When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
[party city]
employee: you don’t work here—why are you taking an inventory of these cardboard cutouts of sherlock?
me: I’ve got stock holmes syndrome
Talk to me like you’re trying to steal my credit card number, baby
Thank you, Internet.
Thank you.
[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]
3-year-old: I hate this show.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
3-year-old: He never eats anybody.
me: I’m stuck in a time loop
friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight
me: my watch is on too tight 🙂
Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack
Me: Go to bed
5-year-old: One more question
Me: Fine
5: Who would win if Luke Skywalker fought Harry Potter?
Me
5:
Me: Get some coffee
Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you
detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks
gonna make a bumper sticker for my car that says “MY KID IS SMARTER THAN YOU’RE KID” just to troll the grammar nazis behind me
yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese
I received a survey for a conference I didn’t attend, so I completed it as if I had attended and the conference had been attacked by dragons.
If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you
Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.
A lawyer walks into a bar. A lawyer leaves the bar. A lawyer walks into the bar. A lawyer fails the bar because he was drunk.
Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.
My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.
[therapy]
DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon
ME: No, a fear of clones
DOC: Oh…that seems irrational
OTHER ME: That’s what I said
My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.
Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors
the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage
The 4 Major Types of Twitter DMs:
Sup
Hello dear
Thanks for the follow!
Would you rather die at the hands of a koala or kangaroo?
What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased
Last week: Plague.
Today: Tornado Watch.
Monday: Frogs. Just watch. It’ll be frogs.
DOCTOR: Your baby seems a bit sluggish
SNAIL WIFE: Oh no
HUSBAND: *thinks about their slug neighbour* I KNEW IT
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
We avoided this particular disaster