@XplodingUnicorn

6-year-old: *shows off her new fancy pen*

Me: That’s so nice. Who gave you that?

6: My boyfriend.

Me: Give it back.

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@g0_f1sh

A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa

@_elvishpresley_

If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying

@pittdave13

Lawyer: the evidence points to him as our prime suspect

Me [lips on the mic]: tell the evidence it’s not polite to point

@charlieluffagus

I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…

@Marlebean

After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!

@ArfMeasures

TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger