A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa
6-year-old: *shows off her new fancy pen*
Me: That’s so nice. Who gave you that?
6: My boyfriend.
Me: Give it back.
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If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying
Lawyer: the evidence points to him as our prime suspect
Me [lips on the mic]: tell the evidence it’s not polite to point
I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger