6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.
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My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.
I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.
Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.
You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache
Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’
A realistic Godzilla movie would be 2 cats defeating him by tripping him and purring on his legs while he’s trying to walk down a mountain.
Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?
Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.
He: “I think all my dating apps are in Halloween mode.”
She: “Halloween mode?”
He: “Yes, everyone is ghosting me.”
#Halloween #RubbishJokes
Me: How do you like your new bed?
Dog: I love it, it was delicious!!
Me: What?
Dog: Wut
I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.
2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?
I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.
Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.
absolutely not
Prime ribs are just like regular ribs except they’re only divisible by themselves.
My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday
11: how large is Scotland Yard?
Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…
11: never mind, I will ask google.
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.
Her: Not at all!
Me: Great!
*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*
*uses blood from wounds to write my killer’s name on the floor*
I…will be…avenged. NO! BAD DOG! DON’T LICK THAT! DADDY NEEDS JUSTICE!
Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
I’ll be like “I’m just gonna go take a quick look around the bookstore” and come back weeks later in flowing white robes having defeated a Balrog
there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated