6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down
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Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things
If I had to describe this trip to the mall, it’d be Blood Bath & Beyond.
“Of course the water feels harder at higher speeds. The molecules have to separate.”
[You wish the chemist to whom you are married watched the Olympic diving trials just for the pretty girls. But when do you ever get what you want?]
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.
Told my kid I was going to check her room because she told me she cleaned it, and she negotiated a five minute head start in case she “missed something.”
ME: I have crab like reflexes
DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes
ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what
One of the best
New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.
I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
My 5yo: Mommy what are shark cooties.
Me: …. What?
5: Ava said shark cooties are her favorite snack.
Me: …..
Me: CHARCUTERIE. She likes charcuterie.
I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
i was in target and a little kid came up to me asking if i could watch something for him while he looks for his momma and i said yes, so he handed me a half-eaten chicken nugget
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
YOGA CLASS
INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog
*loud thud
GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.
Long job application should let me clock in to finish them
Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
All I wanna do is
[gun shot noise]
[cash register noise]
[organ noise]
[saxophone noise]
[cow noise]
[cat noise]
Fix this broken synthesizer
AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.
Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food
[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]
Thug: This is an arm robbery!
Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?
Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days
Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password