6-year-old: What if dementors attack our house?
Me: They can’t get in.
6: Why not?
Me: My patronus is a screaming toddler.
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Most people’s biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program…and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can’t make this shit up.
Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.
This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
To animals (lizards?) that prey on mosquitoes: You guys need anything? Ice? More towels? Tickets to Cirque du Soleil?
I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …
Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window
Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips
me: [struggling] nope
doctor: try without the stilts
Dads will wake up at 5 AM so they have more time in their day to tell everyone they woke up at 5 AM.
Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.
i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life
HOUSE: I had dreams but no I’ll just stay here & let u live in me, fine whatever
WIFE: Did u hear something
ME: It’s just the house settling
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
Dear microwave companies,
Why make us select “cook” at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something?
Sincerely,
Everyone
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh
Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.
Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.
20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
Me: He’s starting to stir!
Wife: Shhhh.
Me: OH MY GOD…
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.
Me: oh Finding Dory is on, what a fun mov-
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You’ll note the fish switch between fresh & salt water without repercussion