6-year-old: Where did the tornado go?
Me: Don’t worry. It’s gone.
6: To where?
Me: It just disappeared
6: Isn’t that a little bit fishy?
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Egregious Outerwear Lies
Trench coat: would get RUINED in a trench
Pea coat: not made of peas
Leather bomber: zero incendiaries
Swing coat: doesn’t dance at all
Parka: can’t even drive
“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into a terrible pushy parent”
“Daddy, why do you keep calling me ‘doctor’?”
[counseling]
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN
Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.
Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.
doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …
Me: give it to me straight doc what is it
doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password
Me: Happy Easter!
Taylor Swift: I hate Easter! It’s all a lie!
Me: The Jesus thing?
Taylor Swift: Ya… Men don’t come back after 3 Days!
Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.
Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now
Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go
Roommate gets sinus infection: treats it with chai tea and three different medications.
I get the same thing: GIVE ME ALL THE WASABI. CLEAR OUT MY SINUSES WITH CLEANSING FIRE. MAKE THEM AN INHOSPITABLE DESERT TO MAN, BEAST, AND VIRUS ALIKE.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions.
“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.
Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: 24 glasses of milk
Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?
Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag
Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.
Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?
Bonfire is French for “good fire.”
Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?
Husband: What else do you have?
Me: *eyes narrow*
Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!
Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves
Navy recruiter: Get out