6-year-old: Why do I have to share a room?
Me: It could be worse. Harry Potter slept in a cupboard under the stairs.
6: Yeah. By himself.
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That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.
Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.
COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision
-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance
to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶
employer: what skills do you possess that would make you suitible for this position?
me: I possess the skill that will make all your other employees look perfect by comparison
Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.
I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
kids tv show: where do you think pizza was invented?
my four year old: a pizza shop
me: *fills out her application to harvard*
I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.
[at the club]
Bouncer: Sir, you can’t bring that it in
Me: Ok (taking off nunchucks)
Bouncer: No, those are okay…take off the fanny pack
“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.
My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime
wife: WHO LOADED THE DISHWASHER?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]
Week three of my new job, they’re all cunts.
There’s a weekly team call at 9am every Monday, what’s wrong with these people???
KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
KID: Canada?
I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.
I think I need a hard boiled egg.
I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack
Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.
“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want