One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.
6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
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2y.o eating his lunch: “Papa’s coffee hot?”
Me: “Yeah baby it’s hot, don’t touch.”
2y.o: “Me blow on it for Papa?”
It was at this point I witnessed with horror, my 2y.o attempt to blow on my freshly made coffee, only to spit a half eaten chicken nugget straight into it..
[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”
me: how can i come across as smarter to my date?
bartender: add ologist to your job title
date: so what do you do?
me: i’m an unemployedologist
Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
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Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.
Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”
Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”
Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”