@Jdydrcy

6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?

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@mrsjohngoodman

One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.

@papaneedscoffee

2y.o eating his lunch: “Papa’s coffee hot?”

Me: “Yeah baby it’s hot, don’t touch.”

2y.o: “Me blow on it for Papa?”

It was at this point I witnessed with horror, my 2y.o attempt to blow on my freshly made coffee, only to spit a half eaten chicken nugget straight into it..

@david8hughes

[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”

@sonictyrant

me: how can i come across as smarter to my date?

bartender: add ologist to your job title

[later]

date: so what do you do?

me: i’m an unemployedologist

@StephenAtHome

Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.

@shariv67

I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.

@TheWeirdWorld

Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.

@AimeeHelene1

Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.

@CraigChamberlin

Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”

Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”

Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”