Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

3yo stood in front of the electric door at the grocery store, kicking it and shouting, “Dammit! Open! Why does no one listen to me?”

I think she’s ready to be a parent now.

So far this “doctor” has insisted on giving me a haircut and 9 shots for a stomach ache and when I questioned her credentials she called the police on me.

4: *hands me toy phone* Talk to them.

Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.

my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son

Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.

Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.

If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.

Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.

[Dies]

Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.

Me: Dammit

I like my whiskey like my marriage….

On the rocks.

I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.

wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?

me: she thought she could fly

wife: did you yell at her?

me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen

An increasingly frustrated ax murderer making throat clearing sounds outside my window as I’m splayed on the couch drinking Cheeto crumbs

I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.

*a horse walks into a china shop

“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“

[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]

I hope I’m not overthinking this.

(six days later)

Nah I’m probably not.

My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business

you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.

While at Starbucks today I overheard a 20-something telling friends how she “only eats farm-to-table,” and has “never felt better.”

Please let the record state she was drinking a Frappuccino as she shared her secret to good health.

Anyone know where Frappuccinos are farmed?

My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.

friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.

me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally

The bananas in my fruit bowl were overripe
Fruit flies everywhere!
I tried to kill them
But I just ended up giving them a round of applause

My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb

😸

Drinking alone last week
– depressing
– antisocial
– i “have a problem”

Drinking alone today at 11 am
– conscientious
– courageous
– saving your nana’s life

When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”

got so drunk last night that I ate a salad

I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.

People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.

*walks outside*

Its real quiet.. Almost too quiet.

*looks around*

*lights BBQ*

*1000 Dads emerge from nowhere giving generic BBQ advice*

Why is my body betraying me, I give it as much strawberry quik and cookies as it wants