6-year-old: You lose.
Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.
6: That was your first mistake.
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My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.
They say you are what you eat.
*opens a big bag of nuts
PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band
ME: Ok
[later at gym]
ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*
Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
{Very hip bar at which I don’t want to be}
ME: Can I have a, *sigh* deconstructed vodka?BARTENDER: *Hands me a potato and charcoal* $43.
My wife bought 24 Hostess cupcakes for my son to take to school tomorrow for his birthday treat. I didn’t know that’s what they were for. I hope 8 kids are absent tomorrow.
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]
other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard
harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT
Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.
I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.
her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …
*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*
*forgets what they’re called*
when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch
the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found
Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.
me: I think I’m losing my marbles
proctologist: I’m finding them
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I’m a seismologist.
Me: No way! Can you…
Date: Please don’t.
Me: …guess my height?
All those years of karate training wasted …
I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….
as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died
[1st date]
*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*
*but also, be sensitive*
I like to work with my hands,
But splinters make me cry.
Who called them dentures and not substitooths?
Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.