Boss: You were napping
Me: No I wasn’t
Boss: You drew eyes on Post-it notes & stuck them to your face
Me: Liar! *draws on angry eyebrows*
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Mom: how’s therapy
Me: ok. my anxiety is better
Mom: great
Me: yeah
Mom:
Me:
Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b
I love spending time with my kid so I can hear about things like the pickup lines the boys use. (Her favorite is, “I’ll be your Lightning if you’ll be McQueen.”)
I rinsed a big spider down my kitchen sink and then I put coffee grounds down. Now I’m worried a caffeine-fueled arachnid is going to leap out and come after me.
In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.
To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.
Next time I’m at a restaurant, I’m going to do what my cat does and yell until someone covers the empty parts of my plate with more food.
Why do I always zone out when the server reads back my order? They could be saying “lobster dinners for everyone in the restaurant” and I’d say yeah.
*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?
Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.
“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”
~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership
Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.
2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!
Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?
calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁
In tense moments i like to think “what would Jesus do” and then violently flip over a bunch of tables.
Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.
Urine for a real treat today.
-Toilets
I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
*watching Hoarders
Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.
I love when SVU recycles actors years later as if I won’t know this is the same woman who put a child in an igloo cooler and set it sail on the Hudson in 1999
[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*
Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die
I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.
I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site