6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.
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Once again, I have waited till the very last minute to do Christmas shopping. Today I shall battle my fellow procrastinators at the mall. “Here are some socks and underwear kids. I had to shank a woman For these”
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that
I’ve never “hopped on a call.” I’ve trudged begrudgingly towards my webcam like a prisoner walking the plank
It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.
If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.
me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No
[me out of breath] yeah I might be shooting a rap video so what?
[wife home 20 mins early] is that why the dog is painted like a cheetah?
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
Being an adult on the internet is weird because you’ll see a trending article with a headline like, “Here’s a picture of what money looked like before Venmo!”
Friend: You’re so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you
Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks
COVID-19, economic collapse, quarantine, shortages…2020 can’t get any worse, you said?
Facebook has announced it’s created rooms for Messenger.
God help us.
why isn’t thunder called soundning
*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: I’m a genie not a witch
What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
son: “NO! Make me a sandwich like mommy makes it!”
I begin remaking the same sandwich, this time while drinking a bottle of wine and calling my sister-in-law to complain about my weight gain.
It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.
my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
I’m at a track meet watching my sister compete in weight throw and shot put, and I’m wondering what is going to hurt tomorrow from sitting on the bleachers 😂
no, no… I don’t want to be a burden
– me being a total burden
Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.
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