CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
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Writing a work email:
“…I have an unexpected conflict…”My autocorrect:
“…I have an unexpected condom…”
What did I do before Twitter? Well, there’s my family and……OH MY GOD WHERE’S MY FAMILY?!?!
I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.
you have three unread messages
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
Coworker: How’s your worksite?
Me: I can see my work fine thank you.
*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??
People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are
Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep
Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
the first time my brother got covid, he decided to shave his head and tell everyone it was one of the symptoms, which was just so wrong yet so very very funny
Science has proven birds are a branch of dinosaurs. Now every time I eat chicken, I think, “I bet this tastes just like a stegosaurus.”
her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!
“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner
My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.
*in the front row of a James Blunt concert raising a sign that says THANK YOU every time he sings the words ‘You’re Beautiful’
A short story of betrayal:
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.
Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone
My phone: Yeah, you crack me up
8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.
My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
Send help!
Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.
This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab
Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.