60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.
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It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.
Me: What does my hair look like?
3: Like stupid.
She gets her tact from me.
I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
[Waffle House interview]
Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”
Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”
Manager:“When can you start?”
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.
Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”
Programming is chaotic magic. There are no rules. You ask a game dev “Can the player summon a giant demon that bursts from the ground in an explosion of lava?” and they’ll say “sure, that’s easy” and then you’ll ask “can the player wear a scarf?” and they’ll go “oof”
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
“May you have a long happy life together and never be killed by blunt force trauma caused by your spouse to collect insurance money.”
– Me, giving a wedding toast I did not properly prepare to give because I spent all my preparation time watching true crime shows
Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake
[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?
genie: you have three wishes
me: i want 1000 ants to protect me
genie: you got it
me: psychic ants
genie: uh ok
me: make them as big as a blue whale
genie: dude what’s wrong with you
Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we
My husband just walked in, told the dog how cute he is, and how much he loves him. Held his face in his hands, stared into his eyes, and gave him forehead kisses. Then left the room.
I’m sitting right next to the dog.
Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”
The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it
It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…
Welcome to the dark side.
We have….Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.
I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN
*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.
Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?
*Tortoise says something racist.
When I was a kid we once went to a neighbour’s house for dinner and she gave us purple soup and I had to eat it and that’s why I don’t like neighbours
Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.
Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow
Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?
My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.