60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.
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[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]
me: [reaching under couch] shit
murderer: let me try i have longer arms
me: you do not
murderer: do too. stand up
[we measure arm length]
me: wow
murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan
There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!
[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.
Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.
HER: i could really use a shoulder to cry on right now
ME [a mortician]: *looks at clipboard* ok what type are you looking for?
strict parents don’t know how to cope with having an adult child so they have to make up problems. four years ago someone found my wallet outside and dropped it off at a precinct. the police called to return it. to this day my mother refers to it as my “run in with the police”
ME: let’s do some lines do you have a dollar bill?
GUY: *pulls out wallet to reveal a badge* bad news buddy
ME: yeah you can’t snort anything with that
“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
yeah I’m excited for Dune 2
dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you
Day 2 of my diet
[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you likeHER: I really get off on exhibitionism
ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.
Husband: The kids shoes are wet from playing in the sprinklers.
Me: Please throw them in the dryer.
Husband: I don’t think we’re allowed to do that as parents.
Me: Their shoes, Craig! Not the children.
Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.
Overhead my kids arguing about what color is the “tastiest” for a banana to be eaten. One said yellow with brown spot and the other said green.
First of all, this just proves that kids can fight about anything and secondly, both of them are wrong… It’s yellow.
Cashier: “Sir, the toilet paper you’re buying goes on sale tomorrow.”
“COOL, I’LL CHECK WITH MY FAMILY TO SEE IF THEY CAN HOLD IT IN.”
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
[to son before going in house] remember its opposite day
wife: how was go karting?
son: dad didnt take off his helmet and throw it at anyone
“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.
Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter
A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv
Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”
I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.
In the spirit of ‘Cancel Culture’ so to speak, can we just go ahead and cancel the middle school dioramas????
Im out of cotton balls. 😒