6:00am: I’ll go to the gym in 20 minutes
6:20am: I’ll go to the gym in 10 minutes
6:30am: I’ll go to the gym in 5 minutes
6:35am: I’ll go to the gym in 2 minutes
6:37am: What time does McDonald’s open
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What kind of outfit says “I want you to let me stand in your group so I don’t look like a loser but I don’t want to talk to any of you”?
[First Date]
HER: I love dogs.
ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
Them: Aren’t you afraid someone will rob and clean your whole house out while you’re gone one day?
Me (looking around at the Cheerios and toys all over the floor): Maybe if I leave the door completely open with a thank you note?
Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It’s a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
My grandma just called to tell me that if “I’m really a lesbian it’s okay, because that girl from Juno is and she is very rich.”
‘What’s that smell?’
‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’
‘This is your car’
I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*
Pet hermit crab: no wait go back
Announcer: welcome to house hunters
The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!
Oh, wait, never mind…I got it.
[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.
Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?
Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location
At Christmas, a eight year old asked if I had ever heard of smash bros.
Nope never, let’s play, I’m sure I’ll have beginners luck
please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation
Comedian: My teardrop tattoos are to indicate how many times I’ve killed on stage.
Guy: I don’t see any teardrop tattoos.
I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo says she wants to hug me I just wish it wasn’t almost exclusively said when she’s pooping.
Me to boyfriend: You didn’t take the trash out.
Trash to boyfriend: You took me out last night. *lights cig* Didn’t you tell her about us?
A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.
It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.
I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.
A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them
He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.