[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight
[11:00pm] yay i did it!
[11:01pm] *preheats oven*
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FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.
I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.
We don’t know what’s in the vaccine. Could be anything. Microchips? Sure. Toxins? Maybe. Predatory birds? Definitely. This is all a plot to fill us full of falcons because the CDC is in the pocket of Big Talon.
When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.
When I was a kid I was afraid to drink kool-aid because I didn’t want a giant hole in my wall that I had to explain to my mother, like, could you imagine?
White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise
Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.
Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
You didn’t say anything.
Yes, you’re welcome.
I taught my 7yo chess and she’s created a lengthy backstory about how this once-peaceful community came to odds and a lengthy battle ensued. I am now of the mind that all chess should have a plot.
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.
One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness
Them: you shouldn’t drink so much caffeine it’s bad for you
Me: I shouldn’t have to work this much to afford my rent either but here we are
This is your brain-
*holds out egg*This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*
It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.
just overheard someone on the train ask another passenger where they got their elf ears because they the perfect “sort of weirdly shaped but weirdly realistic pair” and folks, they were not elf ears
Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?
No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.
Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.
Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.
A new study shows twitter is more addictive than crack.
A scientist who looks suspiciously like my wife said “better put down that phone.”
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.
[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.