@ericsshadow

[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight

[11:00pm] yay i did it!

[11:01pm] *preheats oven*

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@yonewt

If my neighbor’s front yard is historically accurate baby Jesus was also visited by Spiderman

@archerenemy

Twitter…because if it can’t be described in 140 characters or less, did it really ever happen?

@WendyLiebman

I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.

@abhorrent_wife

The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.

@RyanofAvalon

Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”

I’d rather you didgerididn’t.

@Parkerlawyer

My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.

@purplefuzzygirl

I don’t get why he counts the beer before he leaves to work… There’s never any left when he comes home.

Idiot.

@UncleDuke1969

The only highlight of a brutal moving day:

Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”

4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”

@SgunSuperman

It’s OK people with a poor grasp of the English language, I’m a sex attic too.

@deanjthompson

ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait