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Snapes on a plane.
My husband has been making pancakes and eggs for breakfast every morning and my kids are becoming accustomed to a standard I am not prepared to maintain after he returns to work.
Me: coming to the office Xmas party?
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look
The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
Years ago I went to a job placement agency.
I left disappointed.
Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.
My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ
[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]
Me: hi I think we were separated at birth
God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi
DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.
Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant
Mom: *hysterical crying*
Dad: you’re a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don’t come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*
*drinks beer from my glass slipper*
Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again
When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.
last night in a voiceover session
me doing a line: COME!
engineer: sorry, could you do that come again, it was a little too strong
me: …
engineer: …
me: …yeah…no problem…sorry my come was too strong
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
If you’re not singing “Hitler Baby one more time” to the tune of Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I’m sorry but you are now.
Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.
Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
every youtube essay now is called “the secret, untold history of toothpaste” then proceeds to read off the wikipedia page for toothpaste
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.
Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high
Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*
Stop being friends with whoever says you can’t twerk to Led Zeppelin.
You don’t need that negativity in your life.
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left