[buying an engagement ring]
clerk: that will be $10,000
me: [dragging 3 months’ celery behind me] okay please dont laugh
62% of swimmers say they pee in the ocean……. now you know why SpongeBob is yellow.
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Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
It’s funny when guys say “treat your girl right or I will” lol if you could treat girls right then where is your girl?
That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp and kill a cat.
me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?
sean bean: you want my autograph or not?
me: I do, shawn bawn.
*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*
Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.
Sometimes I open the refrigerator door with my foot just to impress my dog.
What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”
[reading of my will]
My son: his shoes!?
Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry