62% of swimmers say they pee in the ocean……. now you know why SpongeBob is yellow.

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[buying an engagement ring]

clerk: that will be $10,000

me: [dragging 3 months’ celery behind me] okay please dont laugh


Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.


It’s funny when guys say “treat your girl right or I will” lol if you could treat girls right then where is your girl?


That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp and kill a cat.


me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?

sean bean: you want my autograph or not?

me: I do, shawn bawn.


*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*


Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.


Sometimes I open the refrigerator door with my foot just to impress my dog.


What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”


[reading of my will]

My son: his shoes!?

Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry