5yo: Why is he crying?
Me: That’s a teardrop tattoo.
5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison?
5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.
62% of swimmers say they pee in the ocean……. now you know why SpongeBob is yellow.
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Rich people don’t understand cereal
do you think that when our civilization falls, future archaeologists will find all those ‘guy ate here!’ signs and think that guy fieri was our emperor
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
Who knew 20yrs after Debate class I’d apply those skills to present arguments to 7yo on why pasta shapes don’t change the taste of pasta.
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
Genie: what are your three wishes
Me: make me a waffle
[suddenly I am a waffle]
Me: no, like a waffle to eat
[in a flash waffle me is on a plate]
Me: no! for me to eat
[a much larger me sits down in front of the plate]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?
I didn’t realize how parenting had changed me until I was walking by my 7yo with an ice cream sandwich down my pants so he wouldn’t see it