@wesjohnson8

62% of swimmers say they pee in the ocean……. now you know why SpongeBob is yellow.

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@comotethomas

[buying an engagement ring]

clerk: that will be $10,000

me: [dragging 3 months’ celery behind me] okay please dont laugh

@Sanbel11

Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.

@BigGucci_Idz

It’s funny when guys say “treat your girl right or I will” lol if you could treat girls right then where is your girl?

@efasheefaa

That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp and kill a cat.

@iamburtjarvis

me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?

sean bean: you want my autograph or not?

me: I do, shawn bawn.

@BuckyIsotope

*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*

@SevSnapeProf

Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.

@EyeSeeYou619

Sometimes I open the refrigerator door with my foot just to impress my dog.

@BruceForce

What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”

@rebrafsim

[reading of my will]

My son: his shoes!?

Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry