@MythicPicnic

63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe

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@plumbur

I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.

@girl_a_whirl

WEBMD: Enter symptoms

Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin

WEBMD: You are a jellyfish

@Just__J0

There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.

@designersays

I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.

@ElleOhHell

AMAZON: Your 11 year old niece has a birthday coming up and she loves horses

ALSO AMAZON: do you wanna buy like a sword or a manhole cover or something

@FirecrackerKatt

Can we please have a serious conversation about why, as a human race, we always run out of shampoo before conditioner?

@frigginfrench

you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair

@tweetsauce

This is ridiculous: “www” contains THREE TIMES more syllables than the phrase it is ‘short’ for, “world wide web.”