63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe

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I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.


WEBMD: Enter symptoms

Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin

WEBMD: You are a jellyfish


There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.


I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.


AMAZON: Your 11 year old niece has a birthday coming up and she loves horses

ALSO AMAZON: do you wanna buy like a sword or a manhole cover or something


Can we please have a serious conversation about why, as a human race, we always run out of shampoo before conditioner?


you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair


This is ridiculous: “www” contains THREE TIMES more syllables than the phrase it is ‘short’ for, “world wide web.”