I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.
63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe
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WEBMD: Enter symptoms
Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin
WEBMD: You are a jellyfish
There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.
I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.
AMAZON: Your 11 year old niece has a birthday coming up and she loves horses
ALSO AMAZON: do you wanna buy like a sword or a manhole cover or something
The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.
Can we please have a serious conversation about why, as a human race, we always run out of shampoo before conditioner?
Hand me my reading glasses
you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair
This is ridiculous: “www” contains THREE TIMES more syllables than the phrase it is ‘short’ for, “world wide web.”