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Soon as I finish untangling these earphones I’m goin to google who made them & I’m going to ask them to invent shoelaces that tie themselves
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
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10. He is a cat.
Me: Well, would you look at that. This Oreo package isn’t resealable. Guess I better eat them all.
Husband: But the seal is right th….
Me: *talking loudly* NOT RESEALABLE!
okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.
*wears camouflage to a family reunion*
[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.
Door-to-door Christian guy: Jesus loves you.
Me: Really? Just me?
Him: Well, no. He loves everyone.
Me: I don’t have time for players.
[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building
What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
[first date]
Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*
People think I’m being fancy when I wear a dress for the holiday but the joke’s on them because I’m about to absolutely smash like 20lbs of food and baby this thing is built not only for style but for COMFORT
Darth Vader: I killed three whole planets.
Thanos: I killed half the universe.
Voldemort: I uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times.
Everyone:
Voldemort: *shakes head sadly* stupid mother’s love.
Me: So, what do you look for in a guy?
Her: Someone tall.
Me: I’m over six feet.
Her: Someone who likes to travel.
Me: I’ve been to Japan.
Her: Someone with a steady job.
Me: I’ve been working since 1954.
Her: You’re Godzilla, aren’t you?
Me: What? No… *Eats a train*
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
Real person: Do you have Twitter? I’ll follow you! Me: Nope, sorry. Don’t have a phone or a computer. Or a microwave. Hard times and all..
Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.
*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*
I’m never more independent than when a spider offers to help me with something.
Me: hi 🙂
Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???
Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.
If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for any—(bag of chips that is within reach while you binge watch that show on Netflix, even though you said you weren’t hungry and are still full from that beer, burger and potato salad you had earlier)—thing.
It’s tough getting user casket reviews
Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
magician: “think of a letter, any letter”
me: “ok”
magician: “now double it”
me: [visibly confused]
People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.