First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.
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To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
Wife: is he okay?!
Doctor: he will be fin-
Me: *slips him $20*
Doctor: he’ll never walk again
Me: *acting surprised* oh no, and on the day we were gonna put up the Christmas lights!
Me: Should I measure this in miles or kilometers?
Scientist: It doesn’t matter right now just pick something.
Me: What do you mean just pick something??
Scientist: Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I’m whitening my teeth while I bake so I don’t eat and OMG, guys, did you know brownie batter is still amazing mixed with hydrogen peroxide?
I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
fixed it
Whoa. I guess one dude quit:
me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider
The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald’s eating hotcakes and sausage.
They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.
Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee
My neighbor Randy saw his shadow today so it looks like we’ll be experiencing six more weeks of drunken front yard kung fu
Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.
An adult trying to be mean has never hurt my feelings as much as a child just asking questions.
Yesterday a 5-year-old saw me without my glasses and, horrified, said “is that what you look like in real life??”
HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.
I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…
Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.
Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.